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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ninyel's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, October 10th, 2007
12:58 am
Contradictions to Feminine Stereotypes
Obvious from logic or personal experience, this shit must be eliminated from society's mindset:
-Women are not as logical as men. Complete opposite, every man stops thinking logically once he's worked up, focuses only on winning.
-Women are more compassionate. Only when appropriate, I say, since myself and countless other females I've interacted with are crystal clear on what happens if any boundaries get crossed. It seems to me that they're also firmer on their stances on whatever issue is at stake.
-Men are more aggressive.Natureproves otherwisein most species but even with humans I find there to be enough aggressive females around to severly discredit this myth.
-Men are more sexually voracious. On what scale and according to who, we must ask immediately of this precept, which imposes itself on other sexualities as a rule or a right, that history has traditionally made room for due to the influence of long-standing patriarchal values. A statement like this is too problematic for an intelligent person to condone, therefore indicates quite directly the ignorance of anyone voicing it. Experience only lives up to reasoning in proving how inaccurate generalizing like this is. Can't tell you how many times I heard others confirm my experience, being the aggressor over the guy especially with sex, and how many times I've had a guy crying to me about trust and being ready etc - everything a girl is expected to be sensitive about I've encountered three times as often from a guy instead of myself or the girl involved. Men get attached quickly and way more fervently than is assumed. I never felt adequately qualified in many aspects of gender assumptions, but this was a clear aberration in the identifying capabilities of my gendered upbringing, even to me at 8 it was clear enough that the mistake was theirs - incorrectly labeling me - and not mine, since I was walking evidence of exceptions to every rule designed to fit me into a girl's dress. since early on it kept trying to worm itself into my self conception whenever it saw an insecurity or new anxiety to attach itself and flower doubts to unsettle my conviction that I wasn't what needed to change.
-A fuckload of little deviations in taste and preference that vary between all individuals, not just one woman to the next, and have absolutely No correlation to either gender. For instance, I spit, I drive fast and well, enjoy high speeds, motorcycles, strippers, weaponry and abrasive music. I hate salad,sandals,restrictive clothes, having long hair, anything pink, weddings, "women's" magazines, general extravagance and men giving me flowers; although I admit to hating sports, numbers, disproportioned female bodies airbrushed until they look identical, card games and mostly all alcoholic combinations. Unfortunately for argument's sake,I admit I enjoy also a few so-called "feminine" activities, such as shopping (to an extent that usually excludes clothing, and which I refer to as Foraging),dancing, classicromance films, mixed drinks and fantasizing about my future children.
Friday, September 21st, 2007
11:40 pm
Anyone Else ...?
So I can't be alone in this, does anyone else prefer this phase of the Britney Spears project to her old "identity"?
All they can say is what a shame and what happened to the old Britney we all used to dissect with glee? She no longer looks so plastic and proportional it makes you nauseous to look at her; she's even got a little belly like a real person who's had two kids would. She doesn't cater to expectations that she play the part anymore, didn't even seem to care that her show obviously sucked, in fact she seemed to expect it to suck going in, from not having rehearsed on purpose. All the partying only makes me reconsider her emotional depth, because it takes some guts to let go and go down smiling cuz it's at least as intense as the stuff you'd rather not deal with instead. So Britney can get down, even do it like she's not being scrutinized and judged by thousands. I read she one time stripped to her underwear and ran into the ocean accompanied only by paparazzi she led there. I wonder if she just wasn't trying to make them all get wet. I could sorta see an actual person leaking out of her face in some photos I saw on VH1's Most Shocking, her eyeliner all smeared like she was crying or drunk and holding her kid tight against her face. I bet she's bewildered at how it all happened. I thought she looked beautiful with a shaved head, and her doing that on a whim totally raised my respect for her; she ranks now even higher than some who can actually sing, cuz she proved by example how empty looks are, and how easily the Beauty Myth is dismantled when real issues enter the picture.
I also give the silly thing credit for divorcing the trashy guy she married and for serving her mom with the legal equivelent to "You Got Told" in front of reporters she invited along. It's as if she was trying to convey some sense of irony at being sold to the media circus at 15 by a too-slick-to-believe parental marketing ploy. Is anyone suprised for real that she turned to drugs? What really has she gotten out of her "career", besides too much money to have real friends and a crash course in parenting she will likely screw up horribly, what with being raised to sell sex and morals that contradict each other. I'll bet she'll use money as compensation for her lack of parenting skills, basically spoiling the shit out of those kids while they're still young enough not to notice anything wrong with mommy or everyone else for that matter for treating mommy like a god and then washing its hands in disdain when the pressure finally drives her to the point of realizing what a sham her life became, and then figuring the money may as well go towards relieving at least some of the weight.
My conclusion to this tale of resignation is less a commendation then an alternate reading of a Cultural Icon I am surprised as hell to admit has earmarks of being a person; the camera clearly marks her even as a maturing person, so there's more hope on top of all her flaws and quirks I feel credit her potential as well. Its nice to know even the worst ranked of star-bitches can one day begin growing up, even at 27. You'd think more of society would catch on about the money and beauty lie thing if even she did.
So my summary to this rant is short and sweet. I like her better now, cuz she's making all her fans and corporate backers look stupid. If I could give her any advice I doubt she'd listen tho.
The witty endline therefore is this: Welcome to Adulthood Britney Spears.
Sunday, August 19th, 2007
1:24 am
Music Groupie Status + Assessesment Exercise:
What three singers melt you with their voices? One of the Indigo Girls i forget which, the one with the throaty voice, James Hetfield from Metallica and Steve Parry of Journey

What events in music history signaled the death of an illusion or dream for you?
When the Tatu girls got married to guys, and when Green Day came out with Warning

What band can you easily picture yourself a devoted groupie of, if time and space were no object:
Metallica in the mid 80's

What do you classify as according to costume preferences: a hair metal head? denim, sleeveless shirts, spikey hair, biker boots, patches yeah sounds right

If you were a famous rockstar who would you pursue romantically to be your creative inspiration: Christina Ricci

Then who'd be your scandalous and reputation-smearing affair: Amy Winehouse

Who would you try to meet and hope to befriend? Al Jourgensen of Ministry and Marilyn Manson

Who would you hope to meet so you can snub/insult/upstage them? Lars Ulrich of Metallica

What era/movement do you feel you were meant to be part of: the grrrl punk underground lesbian scene of the early nineties

What movement intrigues you to where you'd totally get into it if you were only someone else:

What landmark moment in rock history would you sell a kidney if it'd let you be there and see the real side to the story: The Kool Aid acid tests with Ginsberg, Kesey and Thompson

What movment do you respect but only understand up to a point: Insane Clown Posse and the like. Their following is rock solid, no only kinda likes them; only hates or idolizes with a fury. I get the fans but I don't get the band really.

What would or just happens to be the movement fate selected with the purpose it seems, of pissing you off (i.e. no matter how you try to be objective, none of it sounds appealing): most rap, just hate it
Thursday, July 12th, 2007
3:36 pm
Here's my rant for today, it's directed at every fucking techno nerd who gapes at me at the Apple store and the bus even for using a discman and playing Super Nintendo and having a computer from 2003 that I HAVE NO WISH TO UPDATE. No, freaks, I do not wish to spend thousands of dollars every few fucking months to keep up with the rest of the ipod lemmings watching The Apprentice on their fucking cell phone. The LEAST the world could do would be to not FORCE me to, by no longer having anything on the market compatible to my ancient Powerbook from FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO. Do they Really expect people to spend this much money this often and make this much a waste of power which most never use at all, or am I just once again the only one who is aware of what the corporations are doing and has the balls to say Hey, FUCK your technology, I don't need it, I don't want it, and You can fucking DEAL with paper from me. "You'll get left behind" everyone says. Fine! At least it'll be peaceful there. I don't need you people to read a book. I hope you all end up with illiterate kids, it won't take much for society to slump the rest of the way.

Current Mood: defiant
Sunday, July 1st, 2007
8:37 am
good stuf
The Flowers That I Left in the Ground

The flowers that I left in the ground
That I did not gather for you,
Today I bring them all back
To let them grow forever
Not in poems or marble,
But where they fell and rotted.

It is not malice that draws me away,
Draws me to renunciation, betrayal:
It is weariness, I go for weariness of thee.
Gold, ivory, flesh, love, G-d, blood, moon –
I have become the expert of the catalogue

My body once so familiar with glory,
My body has become a museum;
This part remembered because of someone’s mouth,
This because of a hand…

Who owns anything he has not made?
With your beauty I am as uninvolved
As with horses’ manes and waterfalls
This is my last catalogue
I breathe the breathless
I love you, I love you-
And let you move forever

-Leonard Cohen

Closing Time (this one feels like i wrote it)

So we struggle and we stagger
Down the snakes and up the ladder
To the tower where the blessed hours chime
And I swear it happened just like this:
A sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss
The Gates of Love they budged an inch
I can’t say much has happened since
But closing time

I loved you when our love was blessed
And I love you now there’s nothing left
But sorrow and a sense of overtime
And I miss you since our place got wrecked
I just don’t care what happens next
Looks like freedom but it feels like death
It’s something in between, I guess

We’re drinking and we’re dancing
But there’s nothing really happening
The place is dead as Heaven on a Saturday night…
And I lift my glass to the Awful Truth
Which you can’t reveal to the Ears of Youth
Except to say it isn’t worth a dime

-Leonard Cohen


Is it quiet in Elysium?
I see Heaven as a swamp
No creatures and no bugs at night
Besides the ones that died back then
After I stopped watching
Anything else but you
Outlined by black and trees
A scar of sun that smelled like weed and
That linty sheet we both laid on
before the end had started yet
sheds of scales and arm crevices soaked rankly sweet
I tasted over burn spots with companions
left from putting them out with her hands on
pure instinct to duck the father’s attention
in case he one day wouldn’t give it
she practically believed it already from
the picture so clear and distinct
all alone in her exploding head

-randee fladeboe
Friday, June 29th, 2007
2:45 pm
Survey for the Bored:
Name only one or two of the following-

Best lyrics: Metallica, Indigo Girls
Best message: Metallica, Tribe 8
Best beat: Revolting Cocks, AFI
Best live show: Ministry, Metallica
Best evolution/adaptation over time: Ministry, Ozzy Osbourne
Greatest successful diversity in style/sound: Ministry
Best lead singer act: Al Jourgensen from Ministry
Best voice: Steve Parry from Journey, Kathleen Hannah from Le Tigre
Song that continuously floors you: Separate Ways by Journey, Stainless Steel Providers by Revolting Cocks
Best love song: Nothing Else Matters by Metallica, Still Lovin You by Scorpions
Best trippy song: State Fair (the tweaker mix) by Rasputina, Supernaut by Ministry
Best party songs: Beers Steers n Queers by RevCo, Pussy Liquor by Rob Zombie
Best sad songs: Eye by Smashing Pumpkins, Tuesday’s Gone by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Best ballad: Outlaw Torn by Metallica, Diary of a Madman by Ozzy

Bands used to love but not so much now: Garbage, Green Day, A Perfect Circle, TATU, Nine Inch Nails
Bands love on and off: Korn
Bands used to hate and now love: Ozzy, Metallica, Rasputina, AFI
Bands used to love and now hate: Mars Volta, Blink 182
Bands always loved: Indigo Girls, Kittie, Tom Petty
Bands always hated: No Doubt, Gwen Stefani, Beatles, Dave Matthews, Nora Jones
Bands never understood appeal of: Radiohead, Modest Mouse, Beatles
Bands actually kinda like, or at least one song: Christina Aguilera, Evanescence
Saturday, June 9th, 2007
2:47 am
All the Songs I've Moved To
Here's ten songs representing phases I've had; at some point each song was my favorite:
(no particular order)
1 What Kinda Love are you on? Aerosmith this song was way extreme and hard in 7th grade
2 Nooky Limp Bizkit I really don't know anymore why
3 Gotta Stay High by New Radicals very harmony and lyric oriented didn't realize then it was all about drugs
4 Du Hast by Rammstein, or Sonne in late HS everyone thought I was so wierd for liking this band for years all my friends were into punk and i was the lone metal head
5 Chop Suey System of a Down LOVED this song, thought it was way innovative
6 Dr Jones Aqua made me cry cuz i missed camp in late middle early high skool
7 Ya Shasla S Uma by Tatu or some other song of theirs - Clowns, Gay Boy or Ya ne glatyu
8 Hurt Nine Inch Nails the live version I had on some mix made for me made my hair stand up
9 So What by Ministry i've never found anyone else that thinks they Get this song, or most ministry songs, the way I do this is the first band I got into on my own and one of the few I can interpret easily and align with
10 Metallica no one song just whole cds - Master of Puppets, Black album, Load, Reload and S&M mostly. Memory Remains, Hero of the Day, No Leaf Clover and Unforgiven II listen to most often.
11 Spit by Kittie, now Until the End by Kittie first song off their title album great cuz of the rage next song is recent, poetic and well-coreographed less mad, more sad sound still a big improvement
12 Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls been a favorite song since i was 9 got me made fun of tho i didn't know about the lesbian thing just liked the lyrics and it was a camp song

A few bands I am pleased to say with conviction that I hate or realized sucked at some point are the following: Radiohead (whine whine whine rarely a melody involved), Mars Volta (pretentious fucks trying to sound intellectual tho lyrics are nonsense and just sound like noise live), Motley Crue (Snotley Glue), Neil Young (depresses me), the Beatles (no appeal for me), The Who (stupid song topics), Dave Matthews Band (no explanation needed here), all that new shit like Postal Service and Death Cab for Cutie none of it stands out, Insane Clown Posse (I admire the movement, just wish I remotely understood it), Norah Jones (sends me into a rage, all similar jazz does), Bob Marley (all sounds the same and only good if really stoned), Slightly Stoopid (yes it is), and Slipknot (even I have a limit for guttural howls and shock-aimed lyrics that I bet would offend even me if I only understood them). Oh yeah, and David Bowie. Never got him either.
but for bands I'm losing interest in there's Tatu, Alice in Chains, Green Day, Blink 182, NIN and even A Perfect Circle I barely listen to now, guess I outgrew their angst, fell off the fan wagon after a bad album or several, or just started caring more about the message being sent then the beat.
Wednesday, May 16th, 2007
3:52 am
Blue Bird Song
I'm a blue bird
that's been dreaming
of a rainbow
I can follow
to that old
familiar place
i long to see

friendly faces
a smile to greet me
or just a simple
how are you?
Oh without them
I'm so blue
There's only one thing
that will do
to make this heartache end
to be
back home

From Follow That Bird movie
Saturday, May 5th, 2007
9:59 pm
holy shit
he talked to me..
Saturday, April 14th, 2007
8:52 pm
Grindhouse: A Review
It defies words to me, this apparently rampant and uncontested inability of anyone in the industry to write a decent script anymore. i can't believe tarantino is so idolized with the crap he turns out more of frantically, like he's trying to prove something. i don't know what, his movies explain nothing and my god is it really that lax in the movie editing industry that any random nonsense makes the cut for dialogue? i am really not expecting more than should be for films, i think, as far as inspiring and entertaining me. I don't need intellectual viewpoints saturated in wit, but dammit don't settle for scripts that undermine plot, thematic significance, and audience intelligence (so much its insulting) with their abrasively cardboard cliche rampant babble designed more to fill time between explosions than relate to anything at all important, really. I could stand the cuts and editing gimicks slamming boobs in my view relentlessly enough to make one wonder if an attempt at a message is behind it, as well as the director and every other male star having intimate moments on camera with at least two of the leggy, nose-less female actors in GRINDHOUSE (found in every Tarantino movie as well) leaning on him. That part I get, they were all teetering through it on stilettos that defy physics every time they kick some ass in them. Guess that makes up for never being able to outrun the killer and breaking your freaking hand if you stumble on 'em while it's hooked in the door cuz the killer just stuck you with your own dope. But I could go on with inconsistencies. Every time I give the guy a little credit for portraying something right he totally destroys mygrudging respect with a meaningless slaughtering of characters or audience assumptions vital to previous plot setup. Sorry if i can't muster more than criticism for this tactic of pissing on everyone's expectations he always commits, despite money wasted on action deflated by bad dialogue and unsupported by plot deserving of such efforts; never replaced either, with substantial material to conclude subversive intent or commendable artistic agency (other than "Cuz we can" and "If you can't take it you're a pussy"). I read into stuff for free by nature and training if not compulsion, and I found absolutely NOTHING in that movie beneath all the unique decisions in directing and plot turns that insinuate an experimental viewpoint designed, i Guess, to pique audience curiosity and analysis, but didn't, finally all those intense yet disconertingly vapid dialogue scenes (that lasted thirty minutes in chunks), in which there was a black hole of anything unique or worth half an hour, that meant either nothing at all, recalled after the gore scenes that followed each one, or implied fatalistically that the people all deserved to die for whatever the dialogue revealed. Or that death is to be treated lightly seeing as it is so random and abrupt, so why not exhaust it visually? Bore the audience to death without regard to improving the movie experience or anyone's worldview so they stay satisfied with violence off the scale and ass shots that carry the film through. I was dying to leave way before the end, so convinced was i that it wouldn't change anything. My advice, skip the second flick by Tarantino unless this sounds your style, ditzes and gender cliches and limbs flying. I liked the first one despite amateur plot cuz it had badass women and some clever dialogue, like 5 minutes of it, during the sex scene. Gave it credit for originality.
Friday, March 9th, 2007
6:30 am
bored before class and annoyed
things that piss me off:

-guy friends who think despite what i Say that i'm "not really gay" or am really attracted to men since I like "manly" girls. i'm shocked at the ignorance of the heterosexual youth in San Francisco, of all places.

-talkative dimwits in class who hold back everything with constant questions that should've been asked years ago, and coincidentally wears a lot of designer crap that matches her personality

-nerds that even other nerds won't hang out with, that make everyone else look lazy with their gratuitous overachievement

-green professors replacing the best prof in the dept for the senior analysis class, who can't lecture, clarify assignments or even bother to collect/grade them, and constantly giggles, says "whatever" and "like" and cuts off students talking cuz she's just not listening, and I hate that I'm paying for this pathetic mimicry of a class twice a week.

-friends whose boyfriends always come first, even if the boyfriend is a self-centered prick of a drunk

-COPS, the show

-prep school people who assume they are consequently more intelligent then everyone who decided grades weren't the most important thing in life and went to average schools, and act aloof and judgmental of dumb stuff at the same time

-british romantic poetry, except for Keats (not really part of that genre) and Coleridge (who did a lot of opium and his poetry shows it, and he's the best one of them, even though Wordsworth copied all his best ideas and got most of the credit, the pompous ass)

-assignments that get checks instead of grades

-the basketball team, male. female team is cool, lotta hotties.

-community service requirements for graduating

-women obsesively shaving their legs like someone's gonna mark them down for stubble as a failure of some sort
Sunday, January 21st, 2007
11:55 am
I miss Kitty...
Your Ideal Pet is a Cat

You're both aloof, introverted, and moody.
And your friends secretly wish that you were declawed!
Sunday, January 7th, 2007
4:57 am
New Reading List for Humanity:
Simone deBeauvoir's Ethics of Ambiguity
Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials
CS Lewis' Till We Have Faces
The Necronomicon
Adrienne Rich's "Compulsory Hetersexuality..." essay
Monique Wittig's "One Is Not Born a Woman" short essay
Michel Foucault's "The Self as Subject" essay'
parts of the Koran about family duties and philosophy behind various rituals, also the section on Faith itself-anyone who actually reads the material can see how baseless stereotypes of the religion are.

yes, I am sleepless and pressed for entertainment.

Best Films in my opinion:
-Batman Begins (i love Bale, Oldman and Neeson, great storyline, only superhero story that feels meaningful as well as new and improved)
-Burnt by the Sun (just well done, good characters, moving without being sappy at all)
-House of 1000 Corpses (it's unique, innovate camera work, good writing, not over the top, veiled meanings -ie bad guys win, weak people don't survive, fear is biggest issue for victims not things actually done to them-artfully connoting underlying philosophy instead of hitting audience over head with it, kinda makes viewer work to get it and i like that)
-The Birdcage (ok its a little long and kinda dated -gay stuff played down at times rather offensively- but nothing is funnier than that cast, particularly Nathan Lane's screeching and Hank Azaria's accent)
-Alien (Ripley was and is a great change from Hollywood's usual heroine, women presented as equals of men, even has subversive lesbian symbolism, Giger's Alien a genius concept,but i don't like the fucked up alien tail rape scene and ripley having to strip at the end, i bet they insisted on it for ratings. hell they did good anyway for the seventies)
-Clerks (totally has that hidden meaning that takes a couple viewings to click: the day documents Dante's transition point in life from being stuck in denial and selfishness to realizing what is truly valuable and appreciating it means taking responsibility for shit and being satisfied, no matter what the next fucker says or thinks he knows. i think most people have that kind of point when they stop and go, why the hell am I doing this just so I seem better in others perception, or Why am I trying so hard to fail with the only thing that could prove important. Somebody else like Randall tips the subject off on their rut usually by encouraging him that Maybe I should finally figure out what's keepiing me back)
-Suicide Club (fucking complex, daunting but intriguing enough to rewatch, meaning really theoretical/visually symbolic analysis of effects of societal brainwashing and perception of death in modern culture, and a vague answer to the problem through choosing to claim oneself in look or act, to elevate oneself above being merely a label or a physical link in whatever family. In this society it's easy to lose yourself and be no more significant than a statistic which lives on regardless if you do. Parents who see their kids only as that, their kids, commit a crime of sorts, in complacency. Those who fear the burden of choice take the extreme path logically through suicide. Wierdly, it's a bunch of little children who do the questioning of people who decipher a pop band's code and find the secret club, and the initiates get their generic tattoos and other markings shaved off to be sewn together in a coil (found at crime scenes to confuse police). This I read as either Being different only matters when it's on the inside, or Tattoos are a symbol of a being's connection to his body and his space in this world, so they are a part that matters most to have removed before making the personal decision to be nothing or not.
Friday, December 29th, 2006
1:34 am
Lyrics, which matter most

IIIIIIIII'm in Agony
That's what I live
Seeking for relief

I just let go
of all that holds me back
I'm in free fall
And nothing holds me back

Desperately seeking for relief
Even when it's all over we still believe

life keeps slipping away
fighting in a war with damnation
poised, keep cutting away
i'm looking in through to salvation
just one fix

like if i boarded a train
trying to take in another station
join us and the choice will be made
unless we kill the lie as a nation

all the locals hide their tears of regret
open fire cos i love you to death
sky high, with a heartache of stone
you'll never see me cos i'm always alone

how to love without a trace of dissent
i'll buy the torture cos you pay for the rent
tied to a high with a broken command
you're all alone to the promised land

i'm in love with this malicious intent
you've been taken but you don't know it yet
what you will know must never live to be found
cos it's the subject of the eyes of the drowned

MINISTRY: STIGMATA (first song of theirs I ever heard)

stronger than reason
stronger than lies
the only truth i know
is the look in your eyes
the look in your eyes

just like a car crash
just like a knife
my favourite weapon
is the look in your eyes
you've run out of lies
you've run out of lies
there's a ton locked in your empty eyes
get out of my life

i'm chewing on glass
and eating my fingers
i'm not the one
who's run out of lies

your eyes shine bright
like a jesus nightlite
I'd like to be
a colorful sight to see
I"m only here in background here
on the ground lies my head

the time is right but oh
i feel all wrong
it fades away and now
you're gone
12:12 am
Stuff I in five years am telling me now:
hopefully it will all resonate:

-you don't need a dependency on anything, person, object or substance, to get through the day. escape, distraction and passion are not things that will destroy you if you free yourself from seeking them somewhere definite.
-discipline is something taken on, not dabbled in, and you will fail at what you attempt unless you respect your own efforts.
-society can't dictate how you live your life, even by comparison the mind is limited, so don't.
-Family can't hurt your progress or idenity like anything else unless you fear it can. Fear will manifest itself in odd behavior even when acknowledged.
-head speaks reason but heart speaks desire, and gut is a whole being of its own that shows itself at teh very least through an inability to let go of something no matter what.
Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
9:16 am
reading depresses me
how the hell do you figure out what you're supposed to do in life?

"I look half-formed and sillly compared to Rachel; anyone can tell that she has the more dominant personality. But I also know I am going to do something big with my terrible uncomfortableness. Life feels to me like a tidal wave right over my head, and lonesome as I am, I'm ready now to throw myselff in - drown myself on purpose before it can take me against my will." - Lisa "suckdog" carver,

now ranking up there with lynn breedlove on my list of idols. i'm jealous again, that someone else wrote the book I wanted to. even has the same characters.

"I can't very well tell them I'm going to have a destiny"

I am nervous to find it without her in my ear telling me to take it. Why must my own Rachel be a memory? i know the answer to that, i just am always so tired. i need to get out of san francisco and back to the suburbs or the country, where i have the energy to imagine things creeping under porches and watching me from passing cars, getting me excited. i think it will be there.
Friday, October 13th, 2006
5:55 pm
I'm a Killing Machine
Dullest class on the planet is Art Appreciation. Full of asians who can't speak properly and slutty looking freshmen. i am happy anyway, staying real. Been dating a girl for a few weeks. She has a 15 month old son whose favorite word is "ta-ta" meaning tattoo. he points at them curiously when saying it. she also has some wierd pets, as far i'm concerned. don't get dog or bird people. especially loud birds. i really have nothing to say here. jessie's moved out, sam hasn't yet. i'm going to paint later, and possibly make a mess.

Current Mood: bored n lazy
Friday, July 28th, 2006
4:55 pm
Alright, well have gotten the job. Haight Ashbury T-Shirt Company. I want to laugh but hey, money first. Reptiles and international renown next.
Dreamt my baby held me last night on my parents' lawn. No one could see her but me, but I could feel her skin. How can I deny feeling skin?

Current Mood: reflective, headache
Thursday, July 27th, 2006
5:14 pm
Still lacking le internet at the house, which has a dust ghost that sprinkles a fine layer of ash over everything so I have given up cleaning. When jessie moves out i plan to redecorate : tribal. hell Yes. feeling better have found new hobbies and dropped others, i make metal stuff to wear and sell (any calls of "Hippie" will be ignored) instead of smoking to my head. improvement, yes. gettin a job maybe. need money for cable and bills. gonna get certified rock climbing. garlick festival saturday with long-missed friends, ah um, lizard acquisition. Of a few weeks. a juvie beardie. He enjoys eating worms, chomping toothlessly on my fingers and changing from yellow to gray and back. We named him Rufio cuz of these red streaks on his head but I'm not liking it overmuch. Like him a lot tho. Nothing makes you feel loved like beady little dinosaur eyes blinking curiously at you. You can almost see the question "worm?"

and miss kitty is coming back next week, so I will be loved by a female again. little purring ball of wonderfulness. perhaps on saturday as well if kristina doesn't mind..

Basically I'm bored as fuck and if any of you people want to visit or want a visitor this summer for the love of lucifer tell me.

Current Mood: why is this relevant
Saturday, July 8th, 2006
11:25 am
i write to oppose and to preserve my voice among the din, but i also write to offer something to the land i love for reasons that may not be clear to those around me. perception is fifty percent of life, not to mention attitude. once i realized mostly everything wasn't as it seemed it became much easier to find the truth area, knotted into the mess in my stomach and beating unobtrusively but along a different melody that i sometimes think i hear in my dreams or when i'm making love. it is jammed somewhere below my ribcage, near my stomach and lungs and often squished between their panic simple functioning. I attributed meanings to these lesser organs before I recognized their symptoms were of my brain. It's not imperfect and neither is my heart, their communications were just misunderstood and overmisinterpreted. it takes teachers to show one how to listen to truth, and spot the spirits that inhabit my life. i never noticed them for what they were. Reason leaves one just as adrift as faith by itself. So easily capsized.
Last night a small voice whispered in my ear "Are you okay?" I woke up instantly and felt not alone. "not anymore" I murmured, but I thought Actually, I'm not afraid, though I didn't get out of bed. Ghosts comfort me. All of a sudden I see their movements in my living space. Never recognized my hair rising, hearing things that didn't make a sound, and the placement of things just so are That. But it is, I have no doubt. Hard to explain to someone else, I can see their skepticism but it doesn't worry me. i hope that maybe someday they'll figure it out. I feel her when she's here and know when's she's gone, I can tell the difference between her messages and my dreams, when one stops and the other begins. I even register her feelings without confusing or changing my own. Makes me better with the living too. No one really makes me nervous who used to since I finally realized everything I wanted almost desperately in another were things i really wanted in myself, and the discomfort i felt with myself was not my failure to adapt, but my inability to recognize or accept my own nature. Example: lusting after a buff guy on a bike or a prepubescent boy; I wanted to be that guy and I wanted a little-boy dyke to date. Second Example: I wore feminine clothes to force myself to not place so much emphasis on my appearance; I do not see myself as feminine and I was afraid to take on the consequences of rejecting that stigma externally.

Sometimes I wish i could say things I don't mean still, or that I had more reservation to help those i love. Its not that i'm afraid of getting sucked into someone too far again, its just that i've come to believe no one can really help anyone else except themself; the exception being an example the person probably isn't even aware they're setting. rachel knew, i think, or at least mike did. she knows she was the best thing to ever happen to me. I don't need her to tell me to my face to Know that.

Current Mood: pleased wis mmyself
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